Scenes From The Lusty Argonian Maid [Voice Acting Skit]

Scenes From The Lusty Argonian Maid [Voice Acting Skit]
by Andrea “The Geek” of Geeky Gaming

Showman: Kahren “The Rock-Solid”
Lifts-her-Tail: Andrea “The Geek”
Crantius Colto: Chase “The Noise-Maker”

This is just a fun little skit that I wanted to do with a couple friends. Skyrim and Elder Scrolls games are some of my favorites and the Lusty Argonian has always been a humorous little book. Two of the scenes came from the games while the other two I wrote to match the format.

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Scenes from the Lusty Argonian Maid

Showman:
As we approach the end of the Fourth Era, we are taking a moment to remember a time past. Through the Eras we have seen Kings rise and fall, Jarls come and go, the disappearance of the Dwemers, the first eruption of Red Mountain, war after war, guilds form and fade, the Crisis in Cyrodiil, and even Dragons in Skyrim. Throughout the time many have written books, plays, poems. Maybe none quite as notable as what we are here to discuss today. Today we are going to take a look at some scenes from the notorious and sought after Lusty Argonian Maid by Crassius Curio.


Showman:
The Lusty Argonian Maid, Volume one. Excerpt from act four, scene three.

Lifts-her-Tail:
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto:
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-her-Tail:
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto:
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-her-Tail:
You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto:
Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-her-Tail:
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto:
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-her-Tail:
But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto:

Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.


Showman:
The Lusty Argonian Maid, Volume one. Excerpt from act five, scene two.

Lifts-her-Tail:
Did your meal satisfy you, sir?

Crantius Colto:
Your chicken breast was quite satisfying, my sweet.

Lifts-her-Tail:
I am glad I could please you, sir.

Crantius Colto:
Oh, but my sweet Argonian, I crave a sweet dessert.

Lifts-her-Tail:
I have prepared my sweet rolls, but your cream was not warm enough to coat them with.

Crantius Colto:
You must heat the cream to cover your rolls, my dumpling.

Lifts-her-Tail:
Would you have me heat the cream quickly?

Crantius Colto:
No no, you must heat the cream slowly so it does not boil over.

Lifts-her-Tail:
But it will take too long for the cream to be ready to spread!

Crantius Colto:
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.


Showman:
The Lusty Argonian Maid, Volume two. Excerpt from act two, scene four.

Lifts-her-Tail:
It is time for me to take my leave, sir.

Crantius Colto:
But my dumpling, I have but one more task for you tonight.

Lifts-her-Tail:
But sir, I have been on my knees all day and must take my rest.

Crantius Colto:
Oh my tired Argonian maid, it is but one more task.

Lifts-her-Tail:
What would you have me do?

Crantius Colto:
My sword is in need of a good shining, my sweet.

Lifts-her-Tail:
Your sword? As you stand there?

Crantius Colto:
Of course.

Lifts-her-Tail:
But your sword is so huge! It will certainly take all night!

Crantius Colto:
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.


Showman:
The Lusty Argonian Maid, Volume two. Excerpt from act seven, scene two.

Lifts-her-Tail:
My goodness, that’s quite a loaf! But however shall it fit my oven?

Crantius Colto:
This loaf isn’t ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.

Lifts-her-Tail:
If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?

Crantius Colto:
Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.

Lifts-her-Tail:
You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?

Crantius Colto:
Of course.

Lifts-her-Tail:
But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.

Crantius Colto:
Don’t fret, my delicate flower. I’ll satisfy the mistress’s cravings later.

Lifts-her-Tail:
Very well, but I’m afraid my oven isn’t hot enough. It could take hours!

Crantius Colto:
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.


Showman:
And so this concludes our look into the Lusty Argonian Maid. The story that has captured our imaginations since before the turn of the last Era. To all of you souls fortunate enough to be here today in the Talos Plaza District, I am Pavol the Entertainer and I bid you farewell.

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